Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours