I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.