church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.