Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.