Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
two people or more is called a problem
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]