Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
what it’s like dating me:
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Bruh PLEASE
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.