Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”