CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Flowers bee like
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Lmfao
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.