“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Finally!
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday