Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
👾👾👾
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now