Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.