If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I feel it
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
How actors in movies eat their food
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.