Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You Might Also Like
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
S M O L
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy