Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Is this you?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Squirrels before girls.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!