me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.