Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
You Might Also Like
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me :
All Day At Night