People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
no such thing as a dumb question
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.