Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
britain’s three elite institutions
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off