“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!