Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
That 👊
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Um … Hot Wings please
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
where the womens at?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT