If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
All. The. Damn. Time.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.