Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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Where’s my employee discount too?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
こいつ天才
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.