My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Mhm.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did