I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.