hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”