Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Just this preview of the story is enough
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”