I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what