2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
This came to me in a dream.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”