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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
become ungovernable
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.