Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
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I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Morning.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in