I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
You Might Also Like
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
why I oughta
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels