I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
channeling her this year
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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