Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.