I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
i hate you platonically
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.