When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I saw this ending much differently.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!