my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…