“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.