New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
It’s the weekend y’all
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.