[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.