Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs