HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Something Saturday.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.