It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.