My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Beware…..
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video