“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.