I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
You Might Also Like
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now