Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Interior design 👌
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I need this for my side hustle.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.