I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*