deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
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Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
i hate you platonically
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad