HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
You Might Also Like
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Don’t tell me what to do
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Who does Amazon think I am?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.