why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My new favorite headline
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
This is enough internet for the day.